I wish I had some updates to share, but unfortunately I don’t. Our little Flower was supposed to have an extensive exam last Friday the 9th. We are anxious to see what her health is like. And maybe even more than that, I’m wanting to know how she’s doing emotionally and relationally.
When she was first brought to the orphanage, some 5 months ago, she did not adjust well. I was told there were lots of tears and very little eating. I’ve been praying that she is beginning to feel comfortable and safe in her new temporary home, and that she is connecting with the caregivers. I want her to be home with us- but since that can’t happen, I just want her to be safe, healthy and happy. I’m really starting to feel the ache of not being in control. A really deep ache that I just can’t do anything about.
I have now been told that updates might happen monthly, which is different from the weekly updates we were first promised. It’s hard to be too frustrated when I think about all the cogs in this adoption journey: there’s us, our local adoption office, our agent (who is in another office), our government, their government, their organization with which our adoption agency has a relationship with, that organization’s director, the orphanage, the care givers and our little Flower. There is a lot going on, and the 7 hour time difference just complicates the already complicated process.
I’m still working on paperwork. I had to apply for a new passport as mine was expired and the name was wrong anyway. I have almost all of our other paperwork for the dossier ready to be certified. We have our appointment for our home study visit this Friday, and will have individual interviews after that. So this part is running smoothly. I just can’t stop thinking about our Flower and what she’s doing during the day, or how she’s doing.
When we first moved to Edmond, a very special lady took me under her wing. She could tell I was having a rough time (moving to a new place, starting a new career and being 7-8 months pregnant is not the best recipe for stress-free living.) One day she took me to lunch, and I just unloaded on her. I told her all about my worries- with the move and my job- but mostly that I was worried that when Allen was born, I would not be able to keep him safe. I was feeling the pressure- and it just seemed so much easier to leave him in my tummy where he was warm, content and free from danger. She said something that I won’t ever forget, not for the rest of my life: “Beth, you are not in control of that baby’s safety right now, even though it feels like it. And you won’t be in control of his safety when he’s born. But you have a God that is.”
I can’t even think about that conversation without tearing back up. I am completely helpless to “save” my son from anything. I am completely helpless to “save” my future daughter from anything- whether she be across the ocean on another continent, or in my arms as I (so desperately want to) rock her to sleep. I am not in control. Ever.
But He is.
I’m writing this for me right now. I’m the type of person that has to write things down to remember them. I buy lots of paper for lists. And this is so much more important than what I need from Aldi’s. This is going to be my battle- again. My faith is being tested, again, and I want it to emerge stronger. I want my Flower to know that even though I couldn’t do anything for her during these long months, I was trusting the One who can do everything for her and resting in His sovereignty.
I know I’m going to forget this at times. I’m going to be weak and start worrying again. I’m going to break and send our agent a handful of e-mails trying to get answers to questions that don’t really matter in the moment, all because I want some sense of control over my little girl’s life. I’m going to cry because I want her to be here. I’m going to fail. But I belong to a God who will pick me up, fill me with grace once again, and show me how He has always been in control.
I know neither I nor my dear friend knew that her advice would apply to our future adopted daughter when she gave it 2 years ago, but it does. God can and does use his children to bring encouragement and hope to his other (type-A, bossy, control-freak, OCD-tendency, messed-up-in-every-way) children. God is doing a work in me, Shane, Allen, our family and especially in our little Flower. He is in control, and His timing is perfect.