Monday dawned early for me- I couldn’t sleep much that night because I was hoping that the video of Ruthie from the orphanage visit (which had happened 7 hours earlier than when I woke up) would be in my e-mail. It wasn’t, and my impatient self had to reign it in a bit. OK, a lot. If Shane stays with me through this whole process it will be a miracle. What a roller coaster of emotions!
Tuesday came and went, and THANKFULLY it did not disappoint!
They sent me not one, but TWO videos! Plus, two more pictures of Ruthie- yippee! Now, I will say, the videos are not action packed. Ruthie is a very subdued girl, pretty much the exact opposite of her brother. She is going to be so overwhelmed by Allen- oi! She is not a fan of being recorded or photographed, as we can already tell: when she saw the camera she became very suspicious and stopped playing, and I’m sure when they brought her outside for a picture she had no idea what was going on and felt a little scared! However, in the second video she is eating a sucker and playing with some toys on a couch. Just very content to be doing her own thing! Oh how I long for the day when she’s playing with her toys on our couch!
I was so happy to get these videos and pictures, but it did kind of upset me at the same time. Like I said, this entire process (granted very SHORT thus far) is made up of a roller coaster of emotions; sometimes, even opposite emotions in the same moment! I know Ruthie is being well taken care of, and many of my fears were alleviated when we found out she was in a privately funded orphanage, but I can’t help but feel she’s still a little lonely. Maybe feeling unwanted, like she just doesn’t belong. She might even be missing the family that abandoned her. I wish I could go tell her she is wanted: that she belongs to us- her family. So much so that we literally named her that (Arawa, her middle name, is a Yoruba tribal name that means “she belongs to us”). As I watched (and re-watched and re-watched and re-watched…) her videos, I couldn’t help but cry. I also couldn’t tell what each tear was: happy or sad. They were all streaming down my face, a river of emotions for a baby girl I didn’t really know, but knew to be ours.
The videos and pictures made my day, but they also hurt my heart. It’s just a painful reminder that she isn’t home, and won’t be for a long time. We want her here, so badly. We want her playing toys with her brother. Watching a movie with daddy’s arm around her. Letting mommy rock her to sleep every night like I’ve wanted to do since the moment they told us she was ours. But she’s still over there, not here. She’s playing with the same three toys on a dusty concrete floor, away from the older kids because they scare her. She still hasn’t received the book we made her with our pictures in it. So I’m not sure she even knows she has a family, yet. I didn’t know it was possible for my heart to be full and broken at the same time.
I know God is in control. I know it. But my impatient, human self is frustrated. No, downright angry, that we have to jump through so much red tape to bring her home. We love her. We want her. So why do we have to wait for so long? I very much feel like a small child throwing a tantrum at the feet of my heavenly Father. The simple question of “why” is ever present in my thoughts. Our agent has received, just this week, more desperate e-mails from me than probably any other client: because, I’m sure, her other clients are mature enough to know they can’t bypass another country’s government’s laws. Love does make us do crazy things sometimes, and in my circumstance those crazy things include asking impossible questions and trying to forcefully make things happen that I want to happen. If I were ever on the fence about my control freak tendencies, I’ve definitely hurdled over that now.
Please continue to be in prayer for us as we venture farther into this adoption journey. We are trying to live in faith, but at least- for me- that faith becomes difficult when I think about all the impossible time that has to pass before we bring Ruthie home. But- as my sweet husband continues to remind me- she WILL be home. Someday.
On another note, we are going to have t-shirts ready to view and order very soon! I am so excited about the work Shane has done to make them look great. We are still trying to figure out what the easiest and most convenient purchasing option is. Be looking for a post on how to order very, very soon!