A Mother’s Fear

We have entered the waters of adoption, and now we’re just floating around in our little inner tube of patience. There’s a few things to be done, here and there. But we’ve been matched with our girl, and now we are just waiting for the day when we can go get her. 

In the midst of the stillness, Satan is working. He’s talking to me, and he’s able to talk to me because he’s slipped in through my Fear Door. Everyone has a Fear Door, but we know if it’s locked in faith, Satan can’t use it. Unfortunately, I left it unlocked. 

When we were first matched with Ruthie I was so excited. Elated for a few days. And why not? I finally knew who my little girl was! But after the excited came the questions. How? Why? Can we really do this? And questions are fine- questions are normal. But it’s who you ask those questions to that really matters. And in my weakness, I asked myself those questions. I asked myself, who had no answers, when I should have been asking the One with all the answers. 

I allowed my controlling nature to take over, and in that instant Satan knew he could slip in my Fear Door. He pulled out the heavy ammunition pretty early, too. Instead of getting me to take baby steps in the wrong direction like he usually does, he just slammed my mother’s nature with the worst of all questions: “What happens if you never get her?”

Anytime Satan would plant that question in my heart I had the air knocked out of me. What if I don’t get her? What if we never bring her home? What if something happens to her? And because I asked those questions of myself, and not of God, I didn’t have the answers. And those were some very, very scary questions.

Where had my faith gone? Why had I abandoned it so quickly? He had worked Ruth’s adoption out so far- why couldn’t I run to him when I started having those questions? 

Was I afraid of the answers? It is possible she will never become a part of our family. And if that happens, God would’ve known it was going to happen. He would have known, but still allowed us to love her, to want her, to fight for her. I didn’t want to think about that possibility. It sounded cruel. Evil, even. But the answers faith. The answer is always faith. 

Might we lose Ruth? Yes. It’s unlikely. Civil war and governmental unrest are the most likely prospects to preventing Ruthie from coming home, and right now those aren’t a concern. But if that happens, God has a plan. If Ruthie never comes home with us, God will work it out for His glory and our good. Why should I abandon My faith in the Good Father who holds us all in his hands? 

So I did something today I’ve been putting off out of fear since we were matched with Ruthie. I wrote her name next to her brother’s in my Bible. She is ours, no matter what happens. But I have faith that God is working out this adoption for His glory and our good. 

I love you, Ruthie. 

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