Another day, more waiting.
I went to bed praying for the adoption order to be ready by the end of tomorrow. I woke up praying it would be ready by the end of the day. I watched the kids play in the morning and all the while prayed the order would be ready so that we could move forward towards going home.
I literally lived “pray without ceasing.”
And then we got a text saying the order wouldn’t be ready until next week. Maybe.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t upset. Disappointed. Discouraged. Homesick. Some days it feels as though my flesh has taken over, and with the news we were given today, it’s became one of those days. Wanting someone to blame for the hold up. Even being angry with God. One of those moments.
Shane reminded me that there’s still a chance that we could get the order on Monday or early next week and still be pretty on track without suffering a major setback. And he’s right, there’s still hope that our trip won’t be extended much longer than what it was projected to be, anyway. With the reception of bad news my mind just automatically went to the negative.
Continue to pray for us. I’ve been reading a devotional written by another adoptive momma and it is definitely hitting home. She talks about how adoption is very “romanticized,” in Christian society. And it absolutely is- I’m even guilty of thinking of it in this way. Feelings akin to rescuing a puppy from the shelter was her analogy- but then that puppy starts chewing on things and ruining the carpet and all of a sudden the Magic is gone.
That’s where I am right now. We’ve been here almost 3 weeks, and thanks to several factors we don’t have any homecoming date to look forward to. This trip is starting to feel permanent, and even though I know it’s not, that’s the feeling in my heart. Ruth is still very needy. The times where I would want to read or even just sleep by myself don’t exist here. Or maybe they should, but the few times I’ve indulged in alone time for just me I’ve felt guilty that I’m doing some kind of damage to Ruth. She didn’t come with an instruction manual- she won’t tell us what’s wrong when she’s upset- we just have to guess until she’s no longer upset, if possible. We’ve ruined our family dynamic- which we knew would happen. It’s just hard to be in the construction phase when you don’t have the new family dynamic yet. It’s an exhausting process.
Adoption is not glamorous: it’s messy. It’s expensive. It’s a battleground for Satan to render families useless in every way possible. Adoption is telling your son that you can’t hold him because you have to hold his sister and trying not to cry from seeing the hurt in his eyes. Adoption is having to deal with a foreign culture and government that is very, very different from your own (and also having to deal with your own- frustration from every government). Adoption is seemingly endless waiting at all stages. Adoption is expensive. Adoption is trying to make a home away from home somewhere totally unfamiliar. Adoption is just HARD.
I wish I could have had a celebratory update for you to read, filled with joy and hope. But today’s update is just simply trying to trust in God. Knowing that he has gone before us, and that when his answers aren’t what we want, he still does what is good. We trust in him, not our feelings. Pray for his perfect peace to overcome us.