This is going to be a rough one, guys. But I feel like being open and honest about this experience is also helping me cope.
Today is the day Shane and Allen left for home. I don’t regret telling Shane to go home: Allen needs to be home, we’ve run out of medicine for both he and Shane, among other reasons. It’s just time.
But watching them drive away left me feeling more empty and sick to my stomach than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. It was rough. It still is rough. I was basically an empty shell all evening: sitting on the couch, not moving until it was time to get Ruth dinner and ready for bed. My husband and son were gone. I had no idea when I’d see them again, even though I know I will. I was having a pretty difficult time. To be honest, I wasn’t doing well at all. I’ve never felt that desperate and hopeless- ever.
And then, I started getting some text messages. Utibe informed me that Ruth’s passport was indeed ready, and someone would be picking it up tomorrow morning. I was happy to hear I could still apply for her visa and hopefully get an appointment this week at the Consulate. And then, a miracle happened.
But I feel like I need to back up a bit and talk about my faith so far during this adoption journey. I’ve seen things about myself that I hate. I knew they were there, but I was able to push them to the back of myself at home so I never had to deal with them. Mostly. But here, during this adoption, they’ve busted to the front lines: no hiding them, now. I’m talking about my temper-tantrum-like faith (completely different from childlike faith). I pray for God to grant this or that during the adoption process, and the times he didn’t/doesn’t, I have a faith temper-tantrum. My heart, if you could hear it, would be spewing things like, “Why should I even ask you for anything if you’ll always say no?! I don’t even get the point of coming to you for stuff- I always end up disappointed,” etc.
A very dear friend of mine put it to me like this just very recently, and she put it so beautifully that I’m just going to copy and paste so I don’t miss relaying anything:
“It’s like when our kids are screaming for their food and we’re putting it on the plate saying just a minute, it’s almost ready, give me time. And even tho they know we’re working on it for them, they still question us and are upset about the wait. God looks at us and says hold on child. He wants us to ask but He’s not moving quickly enough for our impatient little minds. You’re gonna end up closer and more dependent on God than ever. You can just see the ugly part of your faith right now, but through all the battles and questions, God is tearing down walls in your Spirit that you didn’t even know were there. That’s the beauty of our “ugliness.””
How true is that? And how much better I see that today, as God is answering some big prayers in his perfect timing.
You know that miracle I mentioned earlier? Well, I received a picture of Ruth’s passport- so I was able to spend the whole evening applying online and getting our appointment set up for Wednesday: there was literally one spot left at 7 a.m..
God knew I was going to need something the same evening I watched half of my family drive away to fly back home without me. He knew I needed to be busy accomplishing something, instead of bawling my eyes out alone in a foreign country. He knew what I needed, and he provided it exactly in his timing.
It’s not like he’s provided a visa for Ruth out of thin air or anything, but I’m grateful to see his handprints again- especially in such a very dark time. The darkness isn’t gone, but I want this faith journey to help me be stronger and closer to him, not like an impatient child throwing a temper tantrum anymore.
We continue to appreciate your prayers immensely- daily we are overwhelmed at the show of support for our family. I wish I could adequately share how much this means to us- but every time I try it never sounds good enough. Just know we appreciate your prayers as if they were oxygen itself. We feel them daily, and thankfully see them culminate today!
Shane and Allen have safe and easy travels home and are able to recuperate quickly.
That we are ready for the Consulate appointment on Wednesday morning and that everything goes remarkably smoothly (and quickly!)
For my faith- that I would trust like a child but not throw a fit like one.
That the two families experiencing set backs will be helped by capable people and their issues resolved quickly so they, too, can begin working on visas to come home.